This is something every parent struggles with to some degree or another. We all have our culture’s and values and also the things we don’t value so highly and generally disagree with. There’s probably at least one category nearly every parent doesn’t want their child to be a part of. An easy example would be “prisoner.” If you want your child to be a prisoner, I suggest you seek help for yourself and probably your child, immediately.
What’s natural doesn’t always work best
We want the best for our children and this can often mean wanting them to be like you in certain ways. It’s only natural. If you didn’t think your behavior and values were functional, why would you have those values and behave that way. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really work that way. You can try to instill your values in your child, and you may very well succeed; with some.
The problem here is the last person your child will often listen to, is you. Almost equally as often, not only will they not listen to you, they’ll do the polar opposite of what you say. We call it “rebelliousness” when talking about kids, but who likes taking advice? When’s the last time someone gave you a piece of advice and you just turned around and did exactly as they suggested.
No one likes taking advice, because it’s someone else making that decision for you. When I was working with families, I would make suggestions, but more often I would hint at something in the hopes that they would come to the conclusion themselves. That’s usually the only way it’s going to work. Making decisions yourself is empowering and it drives action, whereas advice most certainly does not.
Realizing you only have so much control will help you manage your expectations
The best thing you can do is accept your child for who they are and do not expect them to be like you. There are soooo many different authorities nowadays. A child used to have their home, school, church, community and that was about it, if they even had those. Now with the internet, they have billions of people they can listen to and trillions of characteristics they can identify with. We can motivate via incentives and consequences, but that doesn’t mean you can completely control who a person is or what they do, and you probably shouldn’t even if you can. There’s a thing about trying to control people. The more you try, the more you fail.