Most of my cases when I was working in community services were with single parents. Was it because they were single, or not married, or a man or a woman? Absolutely not. It was because they usually had no natural supports (not any positive ones anyways), or they had another parental figure involved who did the opposite of what they were teaching.
As always, I do understand it’s often easier said than done. To change the way another person acts, or the way they behave. On the other hand, I’ve heard many parents say “if she just did this,” or “if he just did that,” while not really focusing on what they could do better. It’s not about who is to blame. It never is, because that doesn’t help us solve the problem. So as always, it’s best to try to put your own emotions aside and focus on what’s best for the kid. That’s why you’re on this site and why I’m writing it, right?
It’s almost never black and white
For the sake of eliminating any implications, we’re going to have a parent A and a parent B. Parent A only gives their child something when they earn it whether it be through schoolwork or chores. Parent A has a strict routine for the child when it comes to schoolwork, free time, time to play outside, and bedtime. Parent B sees the child twice a week. Parent B buys the child new toys every week and lets them play outside with the neighborhood kids the whole time.
It would be easy for someone to say Parent B is in the wrong, but Parent B may very well just want the child to be happy. They may believe that they get enough rigidity at Parent A’s home, and at their home they’re learning more social skills. They may also only know how to express affection by giving gifts. Whether it’s a good reason or not, there is always a reason why someone does what they do. Always. It’s important to understand that when trying to address what is perceived as an issue.
There are benefits and consequences to every role
Either way, there are pro’s and con’s to each of these parenting styles. More importantly, if Parent B’s parenting style was implemented by both parents, it would be more healthy than the combination of the two. There’s this old saying that you need one parent to be caring towards the child and another to be strict; or something like that. This is entirely untrue. If that is the case, there will be one parent the child respects and one they do not. One they fear (not the healthy type) and one they don’t care about the opinion of; they will play one against the other constantly and you’ll be so focused on the issues between you and the other parent, you might forget the child is the point in the first place.
Another common scenario is when the grandparents take care of the child over the weekends or after school, or whenever. I’ve heard many a grandparent say that it’s their role to spoil the child. I’ve heard parents say it about the grandparents role. This will destroy any sort of routine or behavioral progress you make with a child.
I don’t know where it’s written down that a grandparent is supposed to spoil the child, but if you find where it is, let me know. That way I can throw that page into a fire, because it’s not helping anyone. I have met many grandparents that have custody of a child and do a wonderful job taking care of them. It doesn’t matter who it is, spoiling a child is going to cause them to be just that; spoiled.
You can control what *you* do
A little piece of advice. Don’t argue in front of your kids. Every couple argues, there’s nothing wrong with that, but if you’re screaming at each other, you’re teaching the child that’s how you communicate your feelings. This is more difficult to do in an apartment or smaller house. You could reserve a place outside or a time to discuss things while the child is asleep or at school, or anything.
Absolutely under no circumstances is it ok to talk shit about another parent or guardian. First of all, it’s almost guaranteed the child will end up resenting you instead of the other caregiver, at least once they’re an adult. Again, you’re teaching them to be passive aggressive and to use dirty tactics to get people on their side. This will also cause the child to try to play one against the other. It will also make the child feel in the middle of you and the other persons issues and in a way, alienated from both of you.
Naturally, it will also cause issues of trust. Whether it’s towards a parent, or just the general idea that you can’t trust people to keep their mouths shut. If you need someone to talk to, get a therapist. You’re there to fulfill your child’s needs, not the other way around.
It’s always way easier said than done
Co-parenting can be very difficult and frustrating. Like any other relationship, it requires two people being thoughtful and responsible at all times. Good luck finding one person doing that once a day.
If another parent or caregiver is doing things that aren’t the best and conflicting with what you’re doing, keep doing what you’re doing, and try to reason with them and compromise. As tempting as it may be, jumping down their throat will not do anything except make it worse. Try to remember, you two being on the same page is about the child; it’s not about the other parent, or you.