Perhaps that’s too harsh? We can call it “persuasion” if you’d like. That being said; children can be extremely “persuasive.” The fact of the matter is, this is somewhat normal. It’s basic survival. Children care about getting what they want. Case closed. They don’t learn how to truly sympathize and empathize until they’re in their teen years, and that may not even happen. You can reward positive behavior so they are inclined to seek positive attention through being honest, kind, caring, or whatever and that’s great; but if they’re not getting what they want in response, they may resort to less appreciated tactics.
You always have to be a few steps ahead of your child
I said in a previous article, that being a “good” parent is having the ability to adapt, and that’s true here as well. You need to be one step ahead of them and sometimes be a little bit better at manipulating than they are. After all, incentives and consequences are nothing more than manipulation. Of course, in the field we use euphemisms, but this is supposed to be “NO-BS” so let’s not.
As always, the first step is to remain calm and not freak out about your child growing up to be a sociopath. The second step is figuring out what they want and why they find the need to lie or manipulate in order to get it. The third step is to teach them new ways to get what they want and reward that behavior. Like anything else, this can take a while for them to catch on, and naturally, you need to teach them these skills with something that’s attainable. Asking them to say “please” so they can get a million dollars wouldn’t really work, would it?
Consequences have consequences
The children I see manipulate the most are children who have everything taken away all of the time, or children who are way too accustomed to getting what they want and aren’t quite used to hearing “no.” Both can be rather damaging parenting characteristics, so I don’t advise them. I realize it can be difficult when the child’s other parent is doing things you’re not, or if they have a grandparent that spoils them (it may be considered normal, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy), but we’ll get to these things in another post.
Manipulative tactics can be hard to eliminate, never mind reduce. It’s best to start with small things like having them use the words “can” and “please.” As stated before, this doesn’t mean they’ll get what they want, but it’s an opportunity to explain why they may not be able to have it, or to have them work towards it. Just remember to explain in short snippets and make it short term if they’ll be able to work towards it. If you begin to give long explanations, you’re only going to give them more ammunition to argue with.
When I saw manipulative behavior, there was typically a parent who would over-negotiate. You end up constantly sparring with your child and while doing this, you’re teaching them argumentative skills and that this is how to get what they want. While doing this you’re also giving power to the subject, and both you and the child will continue to escalate until it results in the child having a little tizzy.
Start small and work your way up
Some easy parenting advice, is don’t argue, and as stated before, stick to your guns. Once a child realizes “no means no,” they won’t try arguing with you so much. Of course, they may drive you crazy on purpose until they realize “no means no,” but that’s the price of change.
Foster positive behavior and social skills consistently, don’t call them bad names like “liar” (or that’s what you’ll get), and you’ll be fine.