It’s becoming quite popular in media and culture. I can’t go a day without seeing some article about anxiety and how debilitating it is. I’m not saying it’s not, but anxiety is quite complicated. First, there’s something that makes you uncomfortable or even terrified. Then you read an article or see something on TV that speaks about your anxiety “problem.” Then you do what you can to manage that anxiety.
Anxiety breeds anxiety; anger breeds anger
Sometimes, you may not be able to completely control it, and you think you didn’t show the best you in front of someone else. Now you’re borderline depressed about your anxiety and how you can’t be perfect all of the time, and then you’ve given your anxiety so much power that you’re a wreck about your anxiety. So, on top of all the things there are to be anxious about, now you’re anxious about your anxiety!
It’s a bit of a trap, and very difficult to get out of. I’ve been there (I am there) and don’t ever confuse me being cut-and-dry with me not understanding. On the other hand, anxiety isn’t always effective. It’s even less effective when you have a little terror running around that’s going to pick up on everything you say and do. As discussed previously, if you’re not doing well mentally, chances are your child is going to be feeling similarly; and even that is preferable to them using your feelings against you which they most certainly will do.
Isolation is addictive and helps no one
It is fairly common for people to isolate, and it’s becoming increasingly common. People often are not nice and will take advantage of you. There’s a new mass shooting nearly every week, and the media will lead you to believe to world is going to hell in a handbasket. The problem with isolation is the more you do it, the harder it is to stop doing it. It has this similarity to anxiety because anxiety is what causes it. As with most things, I’ve worked with many clients that engaged in isolation and as a result, their child was a nervous wreck.
I’ll give you a hypothetical circumstance. A parent has issues with anxiety. They can’t work because of it. Their child is their entire world, and mostly the only thing in their life because they won’t leave the house. This means them and the child are in the home at all times when the child is not in school. This means, the child will get very bored and drive the parent crazy. The parent then relies on the electronic babysitter (phone, tablet, video games) in order to appease the child. The child goes on the internet and finds all sorts of things to be scared of while listening to the parent about all of things the parent tells them is scary outside. The child, being inside all the time gets virtually no exercise and doesn’t have any way to deal with their own anxiety. You see where I’m going with this?
Gender assignment to emotions is pure bullshit
We assign genders to emotions. Often women are considered to be anxious, while men are considered to be angry. In reality, they’re the same thing since they both come from fear. The easiest way to not feel scared is to get real pissed! Children often will turn their anxiety into anger. It’s more empowering, it’s easier. It’s not rare to see a child switch between the two, sometimes quite rapidly. If you have an angry child, it could very well be the foundation is anxiety.
Children learn more from mistakes than success (as do we all)
So much of what a child learns is done outside. Given the content of the internet, one can hope at least. It’s scary having a child, but they learn their social, communication, decision making/impulse control, emotional regulation skills and more when they’re outside. Additionally, children learn by failing, as should we all.
The general consensus is that we need to keep our children safe from everything all the time. This isn’t popular to say, but children learn by getting hurt. You ever tell a kid to tie their shoe, they don’t, and then trip. That’s because most of the time, they’re not going to listen to you. We call them natural consequences, and nothing works better to teach anyone anything. Of course, we do need to protect them against the things that can cause irreparable damage.
This post is more what not to do than what to do, thus far. If any of these apply to you, make sure you refer to my first post and take care of yourself. I know it’s not easy, but make short achievable goals for yourself, just like I advise to do for your child. If you expect you or your child to go from A-Z in a day; you’re setting yourself up to fail. It could be as simple as spending some time on your front steps or porch. If you find you only isolate slightly, maybe make a point to go outside with your child for an hour a day.