This is a tough perspective to have if it’s your own child. It’s difficult if it’s your own child because you’re so concerned about this behavior, if it will continue, and if you had a hand in it. So many parents show concern of the latter, but I’ve never cared much if it was their fault or not, because that doesn’t change anything about the present situation. The title basically means that every behavior is an opportunity to teach. I’ll break it down in the context of both extremes. Let’s start with the good.
The Good!
When a child has behaviors, it’s sometimes difficult to find the positive behaviors. I’ve had this issue with plenty of mini menaces. As always, you have to meet them where they’re at. If they usually punch someone when they’re angry, but this time they threw an object, that’s high five-able! Some have an issue with this, since it’s praising negative behavior, and they’re right. You can’t treat them like a saint because they potentially destroyed property, but you can express the difference and that it is in fact better than hurting someone. This is always the difference. The context you put it in. These are the difficult distinctions, but the typical stuff is easier.
A child is crying over spilled anything, have them clean it up and tell them the problem is now solved. A child has an argument with a friend, role play a difficult conversation with them and show them how to navigate it. A child falls, process how it happened to begin with and how to avoid it in the future. As stated, sometimes it’s difficult to find the good things when you have a behavioral child that enjoys the negative attention, but its always there. Which brings us to the next part…
The… Not so Good!
Though I may not be a fan of simplistic, blanket parenting styles, wording does matter. If a child does something “bad” or even taboo, it doesn’t mean freaking out and screaming is conducive to their development. Straight up consequences are necessary when a behavior is aggressive and/or extreme, but it’s important to know when. Let’s say a child gets into an argument with a teacher and kicks him or her. Getting down on their level and processing may not be the way to go, since you’re showing them that’s how to gain attention. You can sit, and behave in a relaxed fashion, that’s most likely the best posture here since it’s not aggressive or catering. In a simple, neutral tone; asking why they did it, what they could maybe do different next time, and how they can *try* to reconcile with the teacher, is appropriate.
You’re covering everything here, including the very important lesson that you may still have to face consequences and may not be able to “fix” that relationship. At least not immediately. Building security is important, but creating a fictional world is not going to benefit your child.
It’s a Frame of Mind
When you’re used to turning every problem into a solution, it’s easy and comes naturally. As always, to be fair, it’s easier when it’s not your child and you can be objective almost naturally. Regardless of my understanding, it’s important to keep trying to treat every issue as a teaching opportunity so you have that frame of mind. DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy) teaches us “mindfulness.” I think this can be well applied to parents and the importance of them being mindful of themselves and their child. After all, how can we teach self-awareness if we’re not aware of ourselves? If it’s taking a while, take it easy on yourself. The more you do it, the more naturally it’ll come.