I see all sorts of quick parenting strategies on the internet nowadays. This site is certainly not that. The reality is there is no simple strategy that will work with everyone. There is no one size fits all in mental health, nor should there be. Scientifically speaking, we’ve come to find that healthcare in general works best when it’s individualized and it often needs to be since our bodies and brains respond to different treatment methods uniquely to one another.
“Positive parenting” is one I see a lot. I’ve seen the product of this and it isn’t pretty. Granted, that’s subjective, but being exclusively positive with your child doesn’t always work; on the contrary, it typically doesn’t. This is a strategy they use in residential facilities. You can’t tell a child *not* to do something. Instead of saying “don’t sit in that chair,” you are to say “sit in that chair over there.” Sounds easy, but it isn’t. A child that has been verbally and physically abused often won’t take you seriously with this strategy. Or even just a child who isn’t used to hearing the word “no”, which is typically what happens when you’re exclusively positive with a child. Not to mention, once they become an adult, I’m pretty sure they’ll hear the word “no” quite often, and they’ll have no idea how to handle it.
Know Your Child
Regardless, there are children this particular strategy could work for. It depends on what they’re used to environmentally and their general temperament, neurologically. As stated before, adaptation is what will truly work with everyone. Treating them as an individual and knowing all of their little idiosyncrasies is what I mean. When developing goals and objectives for a child (the former being the overall idea, and the latter being more specific and measurable) we typically assess their individual needs and their strengths. We then connect the two and figure out how we can address their needs by utilizing their strengths. Needs can be emotional regulation, decision making skills, impulse control skills, communication skills, social skills, anger management skills, etc. Strengths can be interpersonal skills, family member and natural supports, academic achievement, or even any of the typical needs stated before. You then develop the overall goal and the more specific objective which always needs to be measurable. The key here is making the measurement attainable.
So let’s say we have a child that’s flipping out whenever they don’t get their way (very common.) I’d ask you how often it’s happening. This is where parents often have difficulty since it’s difficult to recall, so if you’re doing this yourself, I’d recommend noting the frequency. Let’s say the child throws 2 or 3 tantrums a day. An easy objective would be to reduce tantrums from 3 times a day to once a day. You don’t want to shoot for the stars, since you don’t want to set them up for failure. Even better, get the child involved in the goals too, and you can track them together (though this is how tracking sheets often get destroyed.)
You’ll get better at it
It seems complicated at first, but once you get used to it, it’s not so bad. Another part people struggle with is categorization. You want to be specific, but also cover what you can. Let’s say a child swears at other children, talks back to parents and caregivers, and often lies about things they do that they know they shouldn’t. You could wrap it all up by saying “using appropriate communication skills” and that’s fine, but it’s very broad and difficult to identify. Not to mention, you really want the child to understand their goals and objectives. You could separate them into different objectives within the same communication goal. Interacting positively with peers, accepts adult choices, and takes responsibility, respectively, would be better objectives for those issues.
I wanted to at least give you an idea of how to individualize treatment for your own child, and to know how it works if a service provider is doing it for you. As stated in previous posts, try to remember to take yourself out of the situation the best you can. It’s important that you’re being honest about the needs of the child and what’s best for them, not necessarily the traits you want to see. Hence, the importance of utilizing their strengths and not yours.